"Shortire"

“Shortire” (shor.tire) n. - fr. > en.= short . satire = shortire
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From: The Beltway Insider Column    
    "Decoder Ring Recall"
   It has recently come to light that for decades key White House administrative officials have used high tech decoder rings to receive and decipher the presidents' important instructions to them. Before the Obama administration, the decoder rings were battery powered. However, Solyndra Mfg. supplied the Obama Administration with the first Solar Powered Decoder Rings.

These solar decoder rings were what brought all to the public eye when it was discovered around the end of President Obama's first term that they were seriously defective. It seems they exactly reverse the instructions of the president.

A good example of the problem was the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Offers to help pick up and contain the oil before it reached shore poured in from around the world when the incident occurred. The President very intelligently sent the message through the decoder rings to his people, "By all means, let's get all the help we can to get this thing under control quickly." But, the rings decoded the message as "Ummm, I don't think so.  Just blow off all of that good help."

When the President received word of the opportunity for thousands of jobs and cheap oil from Canada through the XL pipeline he, sent, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" through the rings. But the rings said, "No, No, No." When he was told that opening up more drilling could lower the price of oil and make us more energy independent, he sent out, "It's the only sane thing to do. How soon can we start?" But the rings changed the message to, "No way, Jose."

When Iranian political opposition cried out for US backing, Obama very astutely said, "Now is the time to make our move and help change the regime. Let's back these folks." But, those dumb rings - they said "What folks? I didn't hear anyone asking for help."

When the President sent the message, "We must cut spending immediately," the rings interpreted it to be "We must suspend spending cuts immediately." When Obama wisely said, "Let's don't give our enemies in Afghanistan the advantage of a withdrawal timetable," you guessed it, the rings all said "Let's do." When Obama sent orders to treat our best ally in the mid-east region, the Israeli Prime Minister, with great respect, the rings used the word "disrespect." When the President said, "Close the border - now!" the rings said, "Arrest the governor of Arizona."

Is it any wonder that people thought the President was completely insane. But, it was just those crazy rings the whole time. The concern now is that the rings may have developed an "artificial insanity" of their own and linked to the computers of the IRS to take over the implementation of Obama Care.


From the White House News Briefing
   A Jay Carney Prognostication On Jobs
Jay Carney: White House Press Secretary:  “Yes, the President fully expects that by mid-summer we will be knee deep in good, quality jobs.  In fact, the indication that we’re getting is that we will be so flush with jobs by then, that we will actually have a shortage of illegal aliens to fill the positions. 

But, of course, the upside is that this will be partly due to the fact that, by that time, we will have made full-fledged, entitlement affluent, voting citizens out of all of them.”

Joe Biden: (Sneering under his breath to White House Chief of Staff, Jack Lew), “I think we took care of that voting part in the last election.” 


From: The Dumb & Dumber Report:
The American Institute For Social Tracking announced, this week, the completion of a ten year study of: The Benefits Of Diversity In America. Dr. Percy Wisenat, who supervised the study, said this morning in his address to the National Academy Of Science that, "The nation's great diversity is definitely strengthening the American culture."

Dr. Wisenat pointed out that his study only had to do with "Core Diversity" (involving just the important stuff) as opposed to "Cosmetic Diversity" ( the what's your favorite color? type little stuff.). After tracking a large segment of the population for ten years, Dr. Wisenat and his team concluded the following:

Conclusion 1. The social fabric of a nation is actually weakened when its population shares a single core value system regarding morality, ethics, and political and social norms, a conditions often perpetuated in society by well established laws and a constitution for example.  "Such mechanisms only inhibit the vibrancy of our diversity," Dr. Wisenat confirmed.

Conclusion 2. The high divorce rate in America is due to the fact that American partnerships are simply not diverse enough. The study clearly pointed to the idea, according to Dr. Wisenat, that, "American marriage partners tend to think entirely too much alike to ever expect long term relationships in large numbers."

Conclusion 3.  America's social fabric would actually be strengthened by inciting racial, class, and ethnic stresses among the population as a means to better expose and celebrate our cultural diversity.

Dr. Wisenat stated in closing his report to the National Academy today, "Like mindedness is the bane of any society. No nation shall long endure where all of it's citizens are at peace with each other and live in general agreement about the big stuff. We must be energized by a kind of  "molecular disagreement" in our national make-up to be truly vibrant as a nation." 

Following Dr. Wisenat's address, the audience was quite animated with questions.  Dr. Wisenat essentially dismissed several questions about the counter-intuitive nature of the study's conclusions.   Before leaving the platform, he did, however,express his gratitude to the Society For Re-Creative Chaos and the Democratic National Committee for their generous shared funding of the study.


Man On The Street
“Sequestration?  Oh, we don’t need to worry about that anymore.  The President said, ‘It’s not gonna’ happen.’  And, he knows.  Presidents know pretty much everything; because they have insider information.  What is Sequestration anyway?” 


From:  The Dumb & Dumber Report
In a non-partisan study sponsored by the office of Congresswoman Nancy Pelosy,  new facts have emerged regarding the Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare).  According to the study, by 2014, income generated by ObamaCare will cut our deficit spending by 50%.  And, by 2016 ObamaCare will wipe out the deficit entirely.  And, it is projected by the year 2021 that ObamaCare income will be sufficient to put every child in America through the four year college or university of their choice.  “This new study should silence, once and for all, the many detractors of this wonderful, and historic piece of legislation,” Ms. Pelosy said on Friday in an interview with MSNBC.


Man On The Street
"Gun Control?   I heard that the President is going to completely reverse his position on gun control.  Oh no, wait.  Sorry, that was on gay marriage. He used to be against gay marriage; but now he’s for it.  He did that because it used to be immoral; but now it’s moral."  


From: The “Really?” Newspaper
OPEC:  The Arabs, in a recent meeting, decided to offer double coupons on their oil as a means to compete with cheaper Canadian crude.

Big Oil:  The XL pipeline has finally been approved – to bypass the US altogether.

Political:  Joe Biden called “shotgun!” on Air Force One.  But he was ultimately unseated by the First Lady

Culture:  Hillary Rodham Clinton was named Most Influential Arkansas Woman in Little Rock this week.  She was recognized primarily for having taught so many women how to wield their maiden name like a gun.

Medical:  Kathleen Sibelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, announced today that Medicare is now completely solvent for the foreseeable future.  No other facts are available at this time.

Labor:  Richard Trumka, president of the AFL-CIO Union said today that the union would no longer waterboard prospective members – “unless absolutely necessary.”   

Entitlements:  ObamaCare patients are now eligible for free Kool-Aid at age 68. 


The New Orleans Interview
Oprah:  “Mr. President, will you be watching the Super Bowl this year?” 

President: “Oh yeah,” the President said playfully with a broad smile, “I plan to be hanging with some buds and brews at Camp David.”

Oprah:  “What are your thoughts on the recent 125,000,000 million dollar contract offered to the Ravens QB?”

President:  “Well, it’s a lot of money; but, you know, he worked really hard to get where he is.  And he generates a lot of wealth for the team owners and a lot of other people down the line by plying his talents.  And what he does is very significant in to culture.  So, I say, ‘Why shouldn’t he have a big, nice slice of the pie, too.’  In a real sense, He’s the one whose really making the pie.

Oprah:  “Well, I hope you don’t apply that same logic to the Wall Street Fat Cats.”

President:  “Oh, absolutely not!  It’s just not the same thing.  The difference is that those people… Ah, those people…”  The President paused and looked down and to the right.